Thursday, October 10, 2013

Alice Munro And My Dog's Ass


I'm so happy about Alice Munro winning the Nobel Prize for Literature. Happy, thrilled, proud, pumped – all that great stuff. I always feel a special affinity – a bond, if you will – with this great Canadian author, not just because she is Canadian, as am I, and she is a woman (me too) and she's old as dirt (I am as old as fresh dirt, whereas she's more like the stuff in the bottom of that philodendron that's been sitting on top of your fridge since the Boer War), but because we write EXACTLY THE SAME.

Take what I am about to write, for example. It is so remarkably like Alice Munro's work that you will think I stole it directly from her.

Do you have to tell your dog to poo?

I do and it just drives me fecking crazy. I mean, I know she has to poo. Her little bum hole, which has been exposed since her last trip to the sawmill, pooches out when poo is imminent. The more she has to poo, the bigger her little bum hole is. Sometimes it's so big I fear her tail might get caught in it.

I keep a close eye on her bum hole. Every chance I get, I'm looking at it. I'm beginning to think I'm a gay dog, such is my fascination. But I have to, because she's not paying it any attention at all. I say, "Misty, wanna go outside?" And she gets excited and I let her out and she runs down the stairs and squats and pees. I'm watching her, and I see her bum hole is about the size of a personal-pan pizza, and I know she has to poo, but nope. She finishes piddling, looks at me with the happy grin of somebody who just won the lottery, and runs up the stairs. "Lookitme! Ipeed! Ipeed! Lemmeinsowecanwatchthefoodnetworktogether!" That's what her face says. Her bum hole, however, is now the size of a soccer ball.

"Get down there and go poo," I order. I have to tell her thrice and finally she slinks down the stairs like she's just been beaten. She stands at the bottom and gives me her best sad puppy face. "Go on," I say. "Get pooing." She prances slowly around the yard like she's the most hard done by dog on the planet, which she may be, because surely she's the only one whose bum hole is so intricately described on the internet. She waddles around for a while, throwing me the occasional piteous glance, then tries to convince me she's done. Her bum hole is now the size of our cat, and we have a cat with the girth of a mini-van. "Go poo," I growl. Finally, blessedly, she squats, lays a substantial and no doubt satisfying turd where Dave always walks across the lawn, and her bum hole magically shrinks back to a happy little pinhole.

I've written about telling my dog to go poop before, probably more than once, but I don't think I've ever mentioned her bum hole and how much time I spend watching it. For easy figuring, I bet I look at her bum hole a full hour every day. That's 365 hours a year, or nine full work weeks, staring at my dog's ass.

I know, right? Alice Munro. It's fecking incredible.

I didn't take a picture of my dog's bum hole because it might be the object
of affection for some porn-addled web weirdos. Besides, is nothing sacred? Geez....


37 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. How much? Are we talking big bucks here? *holding my hand out impatiently*

      Waiting.... still waiting....

      :)

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    2. You don't want to hold out your hand while demanding a dog poo. You may not like the payment.

      This post was a hoot, Cathy. I feel bad for not getting to Munro's Dear Life yet. This is huge for her!

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    3. Better git 'er done, John! Alice is waiting for ya!

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  2. Wasn't Alice munroe the heroine in LAST OF THE MOCHICANS ?

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    1. Oh gawd, you MADE me go google it. No John, that was CORA Munro.... *still face palming*

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    2. You almost had me for a sec, William but having just googled this I know Cora is a character!!!!! Good try, though!

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  3. Replies
    1. I knew you would! Now go back to harassing grumpy old men, will ya? ;)

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  4. Ok.... well cant say I have studied my dogs butt but yes our dog Misty AKA Miggs will go when she has to so no telling her to go but like an idiot I ask her if she has gone poopy's . Pet owners we are a strange bunch !

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    Replies
    1. We are! Think of it though – what if we could go poopys on demand? Now that's talent!

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  5. Heard about it on the news tonight...Alice Munro not your dogs butt....good for her..Alice that is.

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    Replies
    1. It is, isn't it? Seriously, she's one of my favourite writers of all time. So proud!

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  6. Yay for Alice. However, while I love her writing and have several of her books, she doesn't make my face ache from smiling in the way you do.
    Perhaps she will go halvies with that prize...

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    1. Oooo, what a great idea! That'd be more than half a mil each!

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  7. I used to have clothes like that. I even looked like that. Where do you still buy gauze shirts. It's the look, Cathy. The style...
    Oh, wait. Style of writing.
    Good for Alice, but it's your bit has tears running.

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    Replies
    1. I was trying like heck to figure out what you were talking about... style? shirt? Oh YES! The lovely old photo of Mizz Munro when she was young! Yeah, those shirts were cool.

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  8. Great post, Cathy!!!! Don't have the same issue with my dog as yet, however, it is on the horizon.....sigh.......

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    1. My best advice? Shave the dog's arse. It makes bum hole watching easier.

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  9. Sheesh! There was so much talk of bum holes that I thought I had accidentally stumbled on to Beavis & Butt-head's blog--Uh, huh, huh, huh...

    ...and Yay! for Alice Munro's win. And an honourable mention for Misty's poo too.

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    Replies
    1. Wot, it's NOT Beavis and Butt-head's blog? (Oh, I see what you did here... Butt-head... you're such a clever boy, Alan!)

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  10. This was such a great and homourous post I had to share with my fellow FB folks. All us dog people know this so well, but can't think of anyone that could write about it so spectacularly.
    Cheri

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    Replies
    1. No one can write about dog's bum holes like me. I know. It's a talent. ;)

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  11. Cathy, you are hereby awarded the first and only Pooplitzer Prize for Non-Fiction. Congratulations.

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    Replies
    1. A POOPLITZER PRIZE! Yay! I can die happy now. Thanks Marian!!!!

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  12. Nobel Prize for you next year, Cathy!

    Blessings and Bear hugs!

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  13. I've heard a lot of people celebrating at her win I'm going to have to pick up some of her work.

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    Replies
    1. She is sooooooo good. Honestly, go read her. She's amazing.

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  14. Oh, I thought it was Munro guest posting for a moment. ;) I dont think you should have to tell your dog to poo. That's not normal.

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  15. That's one heck of a blog title. Should play interesting with SEO. I'm sure Ms. Munro will love the connection.

    Lee
    Tossing It Out

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  16. Yeah Alice it is only a matter of time for us now Cathy you know it. People now know Canadians do exist. Dog poo only in Canada you say:) Congrats on your own start to sucess 51 is a very fine number(read a blog post ahead) I know it will continue to grow look Alice is 81 or more I forget, so you have lots of time:) B

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  17. I spent a day trying to examine my dog's bum hole. Turns out she had some gross, smelly growth which could only be fixed with surgery. Nice.

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